Restless

I’m restless. Summer so far has been good. I’ve been spending more much-needed time with church friends and I love it. At the same time with the amount of time I have in a day when I’m not working or on the road, there’s a still small voice that constantly pesters at me. Pester might be the wrong word, but I know whenever a random voice nudges me it’s probably the Holy Spirit…because I don’t hear voices in my head and I know it’s not my own.

I’m still trying to find my peace from Him. I haven’t fully reached that yet because often times my eyes get distracted by things that are not of God. And so having those brothers and sisters around me to keep me accountable at least once/twice a week is really a true blessing. As much as it is great to be with different types of people, it is them in the last few months who have kept me grounded when my faith was wavering or when I wanted to go my own way. And even when I went my own way, I knew they wouldn’t judge me for being so restless.

I want to find rest in you Lord. Teach me, guide me, mold me and use me. I am all yours.

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Accountability

Now that it’s summer, it’s harder than ever to stay on top of things like Bible reading (not that I was really on top of it to begin with), checking up on aacfers, and meeting up intentionally. I’ve always found it somewhat harder to click with Christians right away especially in high school since I had like no Christian friends. (to all my non-Christian friends, I love you equally).

But since freshman year ending an exact five days ago (almost typed years since I’m clearly absentminded at the moment) I’ve been doing a little bit of reflecting mostly just in my mind about the past year. I’m still blown away, in awe, and extremely thankful to God. HE IS SO GOOD. I tasted it and I definitely want more. He brought me the rawest friendships who constantly poured love into my life and showed me that things would be okay when they weren’t. He shined light into the darkness that surrounded me and made sure I wouldn’t cave into temptations. He also provided me with a group of brothers and sisters that I didn’t even ask for. I didn’t do anything to deserve what He gave but He still provided.

This summer, I want to be kept accountable so I don’t stay stagnant. If you want to be my accountability partner(s), I’d be more than happy to keep you in my prayers. There are a million and one things I’ve invested myself into (what’s new…) this summer looool. And with that said I don’t wanna lose sight of the importance of following God with all this free time. Redeem the time with me and let’s stay on this path together.

Amazing Grace

I grew up singing the song Amazing Grace. I think it’s safe to say it’s that stereotypical Christian song that even non-believers know well. But never once did I truly interpret what it means to be saved by amazing grace. Too often in the past Satan would guilt trip me and point out all my flaws to me so that I was so fixated by that guilt that I did not direct my eyes toward Jesus.

Jesus is King. He is our Savior so we don’t need to be afraid to come to Him with our shortcomings and realize that He already paid the price on the cross. Instead of running away from Him toward the world covered in shame, we can confess our sins to Him. This great love of His will wash away all the shame, hurt, and bitterness that we hide in our hearts. I was blind but now I (sort of) see.

I want to be able to see people through His eyes. To love on them so that His love will be reflected from me. We focus so much on our spiritual condition that we forget about Him. JESUS. I was numb for the longest time (I still fall into that feeling of numbness sometimes) and it was because I didn’t want to go to Him, didn’t think that He could be the answer to all my questions. I wanted to push away the hurt, push HIM away and bask in the numbness. It sounds dumb right? Because it is and also it felt like the safe route. In reality, apathy is the most dangerous state of mind and didn’t get me anywhere until I was called to open up a bit to those around me.

Lastly on the topic of love (segueing from the paragraph previously) I’m still working on loving myself. (it’s not what it sounds like, I can elaborate in person… love has been an important, daunting lesson that can’t be explained in a blog post)

Now is the time to open my heart to letting Him back into my life. I have trust issues, I’ll admit it. When I was asked to share my testimony awhile back I really didn’t want to. Honestly. It takes so much faith to allow someone, even someone as amazing as God to fully take control but it takes so much vulnerability in a state of weakness to open up to people you still don’t know well.

If you’re reading this, I encourage you to approach me when I put on the facade I have been living in for too long. Ask how I’m doing. I dare you. I may not be at the level to share completely openly but my blinders are coming off much more than before. In this last week of freshman year, let us walk with Him, see through His eyes, and live out His life together.