We always want what we can’t have. Here I’m sitting on my bed reflecting on my week. It’s Friday morning 8:18AM and I’m passed out from last night’s farewell dinner to a friend from church who’s leaving forever for Taiwan. So yes, I’m evaluating friendships, much the same way that a lovely friend in my life just did last night. And to her I want to say thank you for being in my life, even if I’m not very present or as much as I should be. I’m sorry you felt the way you did last night and I’m always praying for you. ❤ Much love.
To others in my life and anyone else reading this, I want to be held accountable for being true to myself. This was the first week in my entire school year that I was able to hang out with brothers and sisters in Christ on school days. The past two quarters have been filled with God knows what (we all know what I’d fill in the blank with, whether it’s ASUW, AKPSi, tutoring or school), in the end I’m still asking myself what am I living for?
Many times I’m someone when in the presence of others seeks to make other people feel good first and foremost. I bottle up most of my true emotions and will make a point to pretend to be happy if I’m feeling down just to make sure it doesn’t show on my face so I don’t seem like a negative person. So yeah call me crazy, call me whatever you want and if you catch me doing it, CALL ME OUT. I dare you and I’ll eventually thank you for it even if it’s awkward or painful. It’s really unhealthy, it drained me quite a bit emotionally, and really it just feels crappy. And whenever I do vent, I tend to feel a lot better. So I should remember that I need to vent more. (if I’ve vented to you before, I probably trust you haha)
In this season, I want to start fresh with seeking true, raw friendships. I already mentioned that. After all, we only get into things what we put into them. I love the people in my life, don’t get me wrong. God has blessed me abundantly with many circles of friends who I find appreciation/value in, in a number of ways. Some more than others but nonetheless, everyone(thing) in life is either a blessing or a lesson right?
With friendships, that’s tough for me. I’ve recently found it harder to open up to people than before even when given the opportunity because it seems that everyone already has a “mental picture” of who the other is. And it just seems that you need to live up to the “world’s expectations” of who you’re meant to be. But like I mentioned before, it’s good to be weird, to be different and to express yourself. MY GOAL I guess, if you can even call it that, is to be comfortable in my own skin and to find joy in every circumstance. Joy comes from Jesus and happiness is temporal. Joy is when you put Jesus first, others next and yourself last. We’re all a little selfish, and I’ll admit I can be, even if I don’t try to. If you always seek Jesus and seek joy, then you’ll be joyful no matter the circumstance.
It doesn’t matter if things aren’t going our way or if we’re under great stress. It doesn’t matter if even the friendships that should be strong haven’t been the way you want them to be. None of that matters, none of the things we hold onto so tightly as long as we put Him first – all else that’s done with our own power is in vain.
I hope that I can be a blessing in your life and that we’ll grow closer through Him in this new season of life.
Here’s to to friendship, to being a more honest version of myself, and to being more vulnerable.